It’s all the same to me

Steph So Smooth?

I’m not smooth when it comes to romancing a man, I’m quite the opposite- I’m nervous, start to babble, play hard to get and act like I don’t want to be touched. I tense up and attempt to avoid intimacy. Even when I’m seconds away to getting it on, I crack a stupid joke. One night, I was getting ready to get in bed with my boyfriend…candles lit, sexy lingerie. I hadn’t seen my boo all day. I was so looking forward to getting in bed. Before I joined him, I tilt my head directly toward the candles to blow them out. And as I blew, the hot wax sprayed up directly into my eyeballs, drying up in my eyes. I spent the rest of the evening hovering over the bathroom sink. Man, what do you know about hot wax hardening into your eyeballs?

December 3, 2013

December 3, 2013. Resistance. I’m giving it up. Today and going forward, I will not resist. I will insist. I will persist. I will move forward, and flow, being resilient- just the way I am. I’ve resisted in life so many times and have lost because of it. And I am left with only myself in an endless inner conflict that has become a cycle. I break it now. Today. And I will sleep easy. Resist and allow yourself to feel and experience fully. Don’t cut yourself short. You are worth it. #kindDecember #31DaysofLettingGo #happy30thbdayStephy #changing #12312013

Black Holes

Kind December

Turning 30 is exciting for me. Until my New Year’s Eve birthday, I will let go of something everyday, stripping myself of the unnecessary, simplifying and solidifying what is in my life. 31 days of December will change my life.

Today, I will let go of something that has been a weight on my shoulders since I was 12 – a part of my heart that is taking up space. I give him up because I need to make room for someone better to come. It is time.

..I can’t wait to see what this is going to do for me…

Game Recognize Game

The single life. Is interesting to me.
My girls are strong, independent, and resilient.
…woman who deserve the best because they give their best…
They test the waters and play the game with men who claim to have invented it, claim to value it, claim to find their happiness in living in the grey. They live in being intimate without commitment. These men make a woman feel what they want to get them to do what they want by telling them what they want to hear.
Women do it too. And sometimes I play. I participate on both sides, playing and getting played. But more times I watch, observing if the game plays out differently.
…but it never does…
It’s the same shit.
The same women.
The same men.
The same cycle.
The same ‘fine guy with hella bitches’
The same girl who rolls with it and settles for the temporary.
The same story. The same number.
I know which cards they play. I read it from jump, but entertain it.
…and it’s always fun to find out who wins…
The truth is, I don’t believe that you win until you stop playing the game.

giving thanks

i give thanks to the people that love me. that matter to me. that support me. everyday, i say it in my head when i wake up in the morning. In a moment in my day… I think of them and send them light and love. It is important for my being. It fuels me.

Transition

Things have changed since I last wrote. 31 RAX is no longer on 3309 Mission Street. I’m restructuring my business. I went to NYC and found inspiration that saved my soul. I got hit on by a gorgeous woman and was reminded of how it feels like to be desired. Too bad I love the d.  And I’m so focused and ready to make my dreams come true. 30’s right around the corner and I’m happy with my life and the direction I’m going.

…not everything has changed though. My ex boyfriend still ignores me in the street like I don’t exist. The shit bugs me until I shake it off. It’s good to know I can loose it from time to time. I was beginning to worry. I’m don’t want to be a robot.  I visit pornhub.com quite often. Dancing STILL saves my life. I love to learn about people. I talk to everyone. I’m still crop topping. I still style. I still sell vintage. I still sing. I still love sour patch candies and jelly bellies. I’m still a pusher that intends to bring out the best in people.

I’m taking my life to a new place, a new direction. Focus is involved – which is new for me. And I’m saving my energy and time for myself and what I love. It’s amazing. I’m getting to know myself and I’m liking me. Things have never been so clear.  I’m finally at peace in my guts.  30 here I come. Love and Light. I’m not resisting. Anymore.

HeART in High Heels. Throwback Pic

Falling

I’m going through a transition, a change different from anything I’ve ever experienced. I’m thinking positive, and only positive. I’m conceptualizing ideas, manifesting my dreams, and facing the hardest challenges I’ve ever faced. And I’m stumbling around a bit, shook up more than usual, and forced to exercise my drive and will power.

I move fast. I conceptualize ideas. I don’t listen to anyone. And I learn from my mistakes.

I fell off a ladder taping up my ceiling to prep for paint. I almost seriously hurt myself. I fell almost 15 feet to the ground, face first, scaring my shins forever. I cried hysterically, fell to the ground, looked in the mirror and blamed myself for being so un-normal, for being so eager and I told myself ‘maybe I should just be like normal people. At least I wouldn’t be a hazard’

…then I punished myself for even letting myself think it…

I’m driven, excited, eager. And with the strength of a lion, I fight, and push, and fuck up, and fall, and hurt myself, and learn.

I learned a lot from falling. Falling changed my life. I’ll be more careful next time. But my drive and fight is stronger than ever. Fuck what anyone thinks, I’m special and will take over the world in my special way. I want to help people and share my love with everyone I encounter. Falling changed my life.